I write this from the wild forest. We have found mushrooms, but are unsure if they are edible or poisonous. Our guide has departed, and our book for deciphering consumables from deadly indigestibles was roasted until crispy to mimic potato chips. I am not certain we can survive another day. There is no app for this.
Oh. Wait. There's a document. I made a calendar. We're good.
See, I'm real happy we're eating well. Truly. This kind of change is something that screams privilege, and it isn't lost on me that I've DECIDED to cut out food, rather than having that decision made for me. I've also cut much of the cheapest stuff - processed food, bread, sugar. I hate that this is the way our society is structured. We make people pay to stay healthy, which is the easiest medicine. We make harmful foods ridiculously cheap and in reach, keeping us sick while healthcare skyrockets.
I know this may not be the place for my grandstanding, but JESUS, we're an awful group of humans.
So. Back to fat eating, I guess.
These were the first two days without the step-by-step prep and meal plan. We started the day with this chocolate chia seed pudding, and I almost passed out from the sweetness. We've had eggs, mayonnaise, and meat for a week. I wasn't ready. Holy moses. I was scarfing it down so fast, I forgot to take a picture of the beautiful presentation I made. So here it is after I had already thrown a bunch into my face.
Imagine a bunch of feral chewing noises and then a confused grunt as I looked up from this, realizing I had to take a picture. You now know what happened.
I was happy with this, and incredibly grateful for the recipe from my friend Tara. However, we've been eating large portions for a week and I wasn't quiiiiite prepared for how hungry I'd be in a couple of hours. The cats are very lucky they survived, is all I'm saying. I had some leftover butternut squash soup, which was delicious. I topped it with some eggs that were supposed to be hard boiled and were soft boiled instead, making them impossible to peel. Those were...less delicious.
Soft boiled eggs are great for dipping things into. Like bread. With butter. That's been deep fried. You know what they're terrible for? Peeling and putting into soup. They're just the worst possible candidates for that job.
I ate it anyway, because I think the Whole30 is about gas lighting you into eventually asking for your food still squiggling, squirming, or growing on a vine, and ripping it to shreds with your teeth due to sheer hunger.
Did I mention I don't do well with restrictions because I'm a fucking glutton? Eight days of eating well planned, healthful meals and I'm over here wondering where my star-studded chart topper is to support me during my starvation.
Dinner was pretty easy, as I took the tomato sauce and ground turkey from early on in the plan and threw it into a pot with more turkey to make that night's dinner, and to prep for "chili" with the leftovers. Another disclaimer: I'm entering the realm of food with quotation marks. I am not a fan of this. I wish that, rather than trying to name a food something it tastes nothing like in order to trick people into eating it, we should have new and unique names for these dishes. Zucchini noodles aren't "pasta", stew without beans isn't "chili", and you can't chop up a bunch of nuts and celery and try to tell me it's "tuna salad." I will laugh at you. As the raw-eating co-worker who asked me to eat that. I mean, I can put on glasses and be Writer Me With Glasses. That doesn't make me "Samantha Irby," and I won't fool people because I put it in quotes.
I didn't get to eat it, because I had shit to do, so I threw more snacks in my bag and left the good stuff for the husband. I ran to get the bird and take her to ballet. I then did battle with a vending machine that refused to give me her snack OR my change. This is what I get for agreeing to give her fruit flavored snacks while I eat vegetables and animals that are still running afield.
When my husband came to pick us up, I told him that dinner was already for him, and that he should just eat his with "spiralized zucchini" but pour the same sauce on pasta for the bird. Because...everything's better with starch under it.
We hit Trader Joe's so I could get snacks and a few extra things. Suddenly, I saw their dessert section. I don't normally care about the dessert section. But they had these.
Sweet Christ on Toast. Mmmmm. Toast.
I almost killed a few people so there would be no witnesses and threw these into my face. The puzzled look my husband gave me as the Chomp Chomp Murderface swept across my gaze snapped me back into reality. I left them there. I dream of them still.
I picked up some Epic Chicken Sriracha Bars and some Rx Bars BECAUSE OF COURSE TJ's has them. They know what we're doing. We're all on the same diet, and they watch us go over the cliff and they giggle. Then cashew milk goes on sale.
I went to see "Picnic" at ATC, and had my face blown clean off by the talent in that room. I sipped my black coffee and enjoyed my blue lipstick mark on the cup. I pretended I was totally satiated drinking that and not the free booze provided by the theater. This plan is so much pretending. Good thing I'm an actor. I went home, delighted that sleep would prevent me from craving anything else. Ah, sleep. Is there nothing you can't do?
The next morning was a "kitchen sink scramble," which means taking everything about to go bad and throwing it on a plate. Now...this looks and tastes delicious, but there's a caveat. See if you can guess it.
Delicious! But alsssssooooo...
If you guessed, "it would be so much better on a biscuit," you'd be absolutely right. See, any mess of a scramble is better on some bread. Sorry, y'all. That's just the truth.
And this week? This second week of triumph and doing shit right? It's making me incredibly cranky. I'm snippy, I'm scatterbrained, and I'm fucking hungry. I love the reduction in pain. I love the food. I love the energy. But damnit...sometimes I want bread. And a drink. Oh, shit, is this still morning and I'm talking about breakfast? Lemme come back to this part.
I honestly don't remember what lunch was. It was probably protein salad. You know why I don't remember? Because I'm seriously starting to space on all kinds of stuff. And here I thought the extra fat was good for my brain. Perhaps it's encapsulated it instead of enhanced it. It's pickled. In fat. Here is a scientific scan of my brain:
Obviously, I'm kidding. Bacon can't remember things. And do you know how hard it is to get Whole30-approved bacon?
For dinner, we took the turkey meat sauce and added sweet potatoes and topped it with avocado. That's where the "chili" comes in. Really, it's turkey stew. Or meat sauce with sweet potatoes. Again, I don't know what it should be called, but I just can't with the quotation marks.
That Quotation Mark Chili was damn good, though.
Will my mood improve? Will I start remembering things? Will I survive my child's birthday party and a delicious cake made my Rachel Claff?
Only one way to find out.