You know, this pandemic nice and all, and I really am digging the whole what-do-hugs-even-mean stage, and hey! Who needs to go outside when there are all…these…WALLS, ohmygodthewalls, but…what if…what if I took away JOY? What about THAT?
That has to have been my thought process, right? Why else would I, in the midst of death, isolation, and revolution would I WILLINGLY deprive myself of foods I enjoy? Diet culture is an insidious, wealthy bully and I am de-programming my brain from the self hatred it instilled in me since the age of 9. So…why…am I taking it out on BREAD?
I eat relatively well. I cook, I read, I experiment, and I love vegetables. Sure, we’ve probably had a bit (a lot) more takeout lately and eaten some of those bread knots from Domino’s when my kid gets them and my nightly cocktail from the To Go window has eleventeen grams of sugar and maybe I didn’t need to make 6 batches of cookies again, but otherwise…so good!
I’m on that 80/20 life, though.
Then…my knees started to get worse. See, I have a total knee replacement on one side and a meniscal tear on the other. I work with it, regularly exercising and modifying as necessa — oop. Now my back sucks. Ok, cool, but it’s not like I - OW, is that sciatica? The actual hell is this fu —oh god, my FOOT..
FINE. Fine. I might have been a little…inflamed.
Three years ago, I decided to give into the bully and I went on the Whole30. I had to pay for the book, see, so I literally gave them my lunch money. I said it was for its anti-inflammatory properties (and the articles! and its personality!), which was true as it was in preparation for my knee replacement surgery. But I did also lose weight at a time when I was seriously uncomfortable in my own skin. My pain reduced almost immediately, and I was a little kinder to myself.
That last part made me sad, truth be told. Why wasn’t I kinder to myself before? Why couldn’t I just accept my body for what it can do and how it does look instead of what it can’t and how it doesn’t? What? Right. Deprogramming. Bully. Got it. Workin on it.
As required by law when one does Whole30, I wrote about it. I wrote about the food, the ridiculousness of the book, and someone like me following it. Did it work? It did, and I’m still mad about it. Because no matter how slowly I reintroduced foods back into my system, I couldn’t tell exactly which ONE was causing the pain radiating throughout my body. Spoiler: it wasn’t one.
The sugar? The fried stuff? The dairy? The soy? The gluten? I CAN’T DECIDE BETTER JUST EAT IT ALL.
So here we are, late summer 2020: terrified of COVID-19, terrified of losing our jobs, terrified of not finding jobs, terrified of teaching our kids in the fall, terrified to let anyone else do it, terrified of the police, terrified of this administration, and terrified that we’ll either never be alone again or that we will be alone forever. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME TO RELAX WITH SOME VEGETABLES AMIRITE.
But truly, the pain on top of the stress was getting to me. I decided I would do a bit of a reset, so long as I wasn’t giving any money to a program. I have a lot of friends cleansing (you can’t - your body cleanses itself), dieting (it’s evil and manipulative), exercising (ok, I love it and do it a lot), trying to get their “bodies to alkaline” (don’t get me started), but too many of these options are connected to the Bully. So I said “screw you” to any “doctor-approved” or “science backed” plan, or even a “Jesus, Corri, you have licensed dietician nutritionist friends” plan…and went with a friend from college who’s done the same nutrition challenge for the last 10 years.
Solid plan. SHUT UP I CANNOT HEAR YOU IT IS AWESOME.
But truly, this thing is a lot like my previous journey down the rabbit hole, only it’s 28 days instead of 30! Win! And it’s…more restrictive. Wait, what?
No gluten, grains, dairy, soy, alcohol, sugar, processed foods, or legumes.
Ok. Got it. Just like before.
The first week is only fish and eggs for protein.
Ok. I mean. I love fish, so that’s cool.
Also, no nut butters.
YOU MONSTER!
Just kidding. You can have 2 tablespoons a day.
We’re cool.
There’s intermittent fasting. Once a week.
Oh good. Like Yom Kippur…all…the time.
You can have berries and citrus.
Well yeah. I thought I could have all the fruit I wanted cause —
One cup a day, and only those. Alkaline.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. You can’t change the ph of your blood with…fine. But I can still have —
No coffee.
Holy shit, you just want to watch the world burn, don’t you?
(Deep sigh)
Truth be told, I have taken my beloved coffee consumption up to very impressive levels. I drink it all day, will happily drink it at night, and use it as a treat. As I wondered before, is it the coffee or what I put in it? Sure, I’ve gone from cream and sugar to coconut sugar and oat milk because what is even food anymore, but I still drink a gazillion cups a day. I can take a break. I already vibrate like a hummingbird naturally. I don’t need to weaponize it.
So. Here we go. I will write and post pictures of food and do all the things I am told I have to if I’m going to try to call zucchini “noodles.”
You know damn well which one looks more delicious, and don’t even try to pretend otherwise.